Brittana One-Shots
by Taylor-EL
Summary: Just all my Brittana One-Shots in one place :)
1. Exactly Where I Should Be

**Disclaimer: Don't own Glee  
**

 **Santana and Brittany are living together in New York since they got back from their vacation. Brittany enjoys every moment they have together.**

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I woke up slowly feeling a warm body move closer to me wrapping their arm around my waist. I smiled turning to look at the person laying beside me. The past few weeks had been amazing. Santana and I went on our vacation and it was just perfect. We had so much fun and let's not leave out how much lady sex we had. What? We had to catch up after being apart for so long. Anyway we went on dates, walks on the beach and we even watched the sunset together at night from our balcony. It was just paradise so I was not happy when we had to return here but in another way I was. We came back a week ago but we never told anybody. We wanted time to ourselves to just enjoy living together and being ourselves. We knew we had to go back to reality at some point so we decided today we would go and see everyone. Okay, when I say we I mean Santana.

Santana had mentioned it was Rachel's opening night in a few days and she wanted to attend. I would go but that night is my audition for Julliard. God knows why they want me to audition at night but there we have it. Plus when I get back my parents and my sister want to Skype with me to hear about the vacation. So even though I would have gone, even though Rachel does annoy me, I had stuff planned so Santana said she'd tell me all about it when she got home. Seemed fair enough to me.

I felt soft kisses being placed on my shoulder and I couldn't help but smile. I looked at the brunette cuddling up to me and smiled.

"Good morning beautiful." I said stroking her hair moving it out of her face.

"Mm morning, Britt. Awake already?" She asked and I nodded.

"Yup. I decided to sit and stare at you whilst you slept." I joked with a smirk on my face. "Okay, totally joking. I'm not that creepy. I woke up a few minutes ago."

Santana laughed and leant up on her arms looking at me with a loving smile. God I loved her smile among so many things. She had an award winning smile with beautiful white teeth along with her black hair that flowed down her shoulders. Her skin was so smooth and her body was just...wow. It was perfect. Every day that I wake up next to her I can't help but feel so lucky. I mean a few months ago I was in MIT, being a math monkey in Santana's words. I still wondered if those actually existed. Before I went away with the beautiful Latina beside me I phoned up MIT and told them that I quit and I was leaving the college. They weren't impressed to say the least, but once I told them Santana and I went to get my stuff from my dorm and brought it back.

People were actually very unaware of what Santana and I were up to. We were very secretive. Before we went away we looked for an apartment so we had something to come back to after we went away. We found this apartment that was further enough away from Bushwick to be away from Rachel and the others, but was close enough to the city and college. No one knew about it of course, but it was perfect. So we arranged for everything to be put into the apartment and we sorted it out so we could just come back and enjoy living together. It felt...right.

"What are you thinking about?" Santana asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. "Something I should be worried about?"

I shook my head and smiled brushing my finger tips over the curve in her back that was uncovered by the bed sheets. I moved onto my side leaning on my arm looking at her.

"No, nothing to be worried about." I assured her watching as her lower back quivers when my fingertips brush over it. "I was just thinking about how perfect our lives are. I mean...we live together in New York, baby. Just like we always dreamed."

"Mm," Santana nodded in agreement looking at me. "just like we always wanted. You belong in New York. You need to be using those feet and that body to dance. You are meant to be a dancer and what better way to make your dream come true than New York?"

I nodded and smiled. She was right, as per usual. I did love New York. It was just perfect and I loved the atmosphere. It was different than Massachusetts and definitely different than Lima. In Lima it was small and everyone generally knew everybody, which meant that everybody knew everything about everyone. You wouldn't believe how quick people found out about me and Santana, even though we tried keeping it a secret for a while. Not that the campaign about Santana being a lesbian helped. I just got pulled in when we started to hold hands and kiss in public. I loved it, but what I didn't love was when people stopped and looked at us. Annoying to say the least.

"You are right as per usual. I feel so at home here with you." I said, looking at her with love because that is how I felt. I was in love with this woman and I didn't care who knew. I doubt anyone in New York would care really; they had better stuff to do. "Are you looking forward to seeing everyone today?"

Santana groaned. "Britt, don't remind me. I mean I love those guys, of course I do they are my friends, but it's going to suck without you there. Just like it always did when you were away at college being MIT's math monkey and let's not forget when you were in Lima at school dating Trouty Mouth."

I couldn't help but laugh. Isn't she just adorable? "I know honey, but you get to come home..." I moved my body to hover over her and started kissing down her back. Now you see why I enjoy living with her so much. "...to me."

Santana gasped and shivered. "Uh-huh. Fuck, Brittany." Santana nodded panting before burying her face into her arms. "Don't start something you can't finish."

I smirked and whispered into her ear. "Oh baby, I have every intention on finishing."

I pulled the covers off of her and started to show Santana exactly how much I loved her

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After I made love to Santana, twice, I decided to make us some coffee. Santana was a big coffee drinker and even though I didn't drink as much as her, I still liked the occasional cup of coffee. I usually only had it to wake me up, but as if I needed that now. I put the coffee on the table for when Santana got out of the shower whilst I made us some breakfast. Okay, I don't like to brag or anything, but I am actually a really good cook. Back in Lima I used to cook breakfast for us all the time. It helped when mom or dad weren't in. When they were out I cooked for my sister to make sure she got a nutritional breakfast before going to school. Usually it meant getting up earlier, but I'm an early riser anyway so what do I care? I decided on making us a cheese and tomato omelette each. I know she likes them so I'm pretty sure she'll appreciate it.

As I was serving the omelettes up I felt a body behind me and arms wrap around my waist. I would know that body and hug anywhere. Plus no one else was in the apartment, so who else would it be?

"Mm that smells delicious. I missed your cooking, B." Santana mumbled into my neck. Isn't she just the cutest?

"I gathered since I know Kurt never got up to cook for you." I laughed moving out of her arms putting the plates on the table. "So what did you eat when you didn't have my amazing cooking to wake up to?"

"Cereal mostly." Santana shrugged in response. I looked up at her raising my eyebrow knowing she was lying through her teeth. "Okay, I didn't have breakfast most of the time. I didn't like anything else so I just missed breakfast, but sometimes I went to a café down the road from the loft."

"Santana," I sighed taking a bite out of my omelette. "most of that food is very unhealthy. I'd rather you have just got toast or something."

"Yeah I know, but you also know I don't like toast." Santana argued; she did have a point. I tried making toast for her in junior year when I started to get into cooking and she tried it and spat it out. I got quite offended but then she made me smile by saying that even though she didn't like toast she wanted to try mine just to see if it was any better. Turns out, it was all toast she didn't like.

"You have a point there. " I admitted looking at her whilst she tucked into the breakfast I made for her. "So what do we have planned for today? We have a few hours before you have to set off to the loft."

"We could go and find our way to Julliard so you don't get lost later." Santana suggested. It was a good idea but I was hoping for something a little more romantic than that.

"Sweetheart, as amazing as that sounds, I was hoping for something a little more romantic." I admitted taking a sip of my coffee. I saw her turn to me and her facial expression changed. She knew what I meant instantly. That's what I love about this girl. I met her when we were in Kindergarten when she stood up to Karofsky for taking my juice box and we have been friends ever since. Also, since then I have stood up for her a few times and I just knew we belonged together. Not because of that reason, but for a bunch of reasons.

"Right, I knew that." Santana lied; her face began to turn red and I couldn't help but smile. She was cute when she wanted to be. "How about we go for a walk around Central Park? I know we've not been there yet and you've wanted to go."

I nodded grinning at her. "That sounds wonderful."

We smiled lovingly at one another leaning in pecking each other's lips before finishing up our breakfast. I loved everything about Santana and one thing that everyone knew was I was the one person who could calm her down when she had a day where her temper was on the horizon. It had happened a few times back in High School and I usually took her to the side to calm her down. I was also the only person to see Santana cry. When Finn did that assignment where the New Directions and Troubletones came together to sing songs for when Santana was outed, by Finn no less which made no sense as to why people saw him as the hero, she came to my house most of that week and just cried into my chest. I didn't need to do or say anything to her but she knew I was there. I was always going to be there until the day I died no matter where life was going to take us. I just held her and told her that everything was going to be okay and even though she didn't always believe me, she knew deep down I was right. And now look at us. We are sat together in our apartment eating breakfast together and even though that isn't usually seen as a very exciting thing to some people, it meant so much to me.

"And we could feed the ducks if you wanted to do that." Santana said making another suggestion, putting her knife and fork down. "Thank you for breakfast. Your cooking is the best."

"Flattery will get you nowhere Lopez." I smirked winking at her, but I knew she was genuinely being honest with me. "Kidding. I'm glad you like it, babe. How about you clean up the table whilst I take a shower then we can get dressed and go for our walk around Central Park?"

"That sounds perfect. You get a shower now then and I'll clean up."

I smiled finishing my coffee and stood up walking to the shower stripping off getting into the shower. I know it is very cliché but I did a lot of thinking in the shower. I thought about how mine and Santana's life has just come together and now we get to live in our own perfect bubble of happiness. Santana even let me bring Lord Tubbington here since she knew how important he was to me. It's true. He is very important to me and I do admit he needs to lose weight, but I'll work on that. I didn't even need to speak to him so much any more since Santana was always there. Well she has been lately but when she goes back to her life she'll have work and NYADA to keep her busy and I'll be at Julliard. At some point I need to start looking for a job. Even though staying at home sounded amazing, I knew it wouldn't cover the bills for the apartment. Mom and dad gave me access to my college fund so Santana and I had used some of that for the deposit and furniture, but it wouldn't last me forever and to be honest, having my own job would make me feel a lot more independent. Maybe working at a dance studio or something. But it would have to work around my hours for Julliard if I get in.

I got out of the shower wrapping a towel around me after washing my body and hair walking into the bedroom. Santana was just drying her hair as I walked in. I went to my drawers pulling out some clean underwear before putting my panties on under the towel I was wearing, leaving my bra on the side. I had already laid out my clothes beforehand so I walked to the bed and undid the towel, drying the rest of my body before putting my clothes on. I looked at Santana and saw her smirking in the mirror, putting the dryer down picking up the hair brush.

"Looking good, Pierce." She commented smirking at me through the mirror. I walked up to her and looked at her in the mirror putting my bra on leaning over picking up my deodorant standing up straight pulling her head back kissing her softly. I smiled and pulled away pushing her head forward.

"Stop checking me out, Santana." I said walking away spraying the deodorant I picked up putting my top on laughing. "You got to make love to this body this morning and you want more? God you're clingy." I added winking in her direction.

"Sorry babe, but you got with me so you have to accept my clinginess." She responded smirking, getting out of the chair walking up to me putting her arms around my waist. "Plus, who wouldn't want you? You're beautiful."

I smiled and cupped her cheeks. "I love you, Santana Lopez."

"And love you, Brittany Pierce." She responded kissing me before pulling away tapping my chest. "But we need to go so hurry up."

I nodded watching her walk out of the bedroom. How am I so lucky to have her as a girlfriend? I smiled and walked to the hand dryer so I could dry my hair and leave to spend the next few hours with her.

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Santana and I were currently walking hand in hand through Central Park. It was exactly what you saw in the pictures; it was just wonderful. Plus let's not forget there was a perfect spot where we could feed the ducks and just cuddle on a bench. It was nice to see everyone so happy here. There was no one afraid of being who they wanted to be which is why I'm glad I convinced Santana to come here. It was just perfect for her and even though you have the people rushing around, you have the others who just relax and be themselves. For example; I have seen probably about five lesbian and gay couples whilst walking around and it was nice.

We walked up to a bench to sit down to watch the world go by. I put my arm around her and smiled when she cuddled into me.

"This is just perfect." Santana sighed happily, looking at the pond we were sat in front of. "You are perfect."

"That's you, baby." I whispered in her ear, kissing her head. "I'm just the sexy one out of the both of us."

Santana sat up and looked at me. "Excuse me? I think you'll find that is me."

"Babe have you _seen_ these abs on me?" I asked raising my eyebrow at her. "That is the definition of sexy right there."

Santana looked at me before chucking and cuddling back into me. I knew it was just a joke between us because neither of us were body conscious. Since we both believed we were hot we always had a little contest to see who would give in and admit who was hotter. I won today as you can see. A couple of days ago it was Santana since she was talking about her ass. I mean god. If you saw her ass you would die happy, but you won't because it is mine, so back off bitches!

I looked around and just thought about how perfect our lives were. I had the girl of my dreams and we were in the city where dreams came true. I mean I was nervous about my audition but as Santana kept telling me, I am an awesome dancer so why wouldn't I get in? Even if I don't I could easily just become one of those dancers who dance in a club or just work at a dance studio. I mean, how can I go wrong really?

"Do you ever think about the future?" Santana asked me out of the blue. I looked down at her surprised.

"Well yeah course I do, baby." I told her running my fingers down her arm. "Why do you ask?"

Santana shrugged. "I just wanted to see if you had because I have been."

I looked at her and smiled. She'd be thinking of the future? That's so adorable of her. Saying that, we had always done that in high school too. We were always thinking beyond where we were believing one day it could come true. Like we talked about going to New York together, me going to Julliard and her going to NYU. It was always a dream of ours and now it could come true, even though she is at NYADA and not NYU.

"Course I have, baby. When do I not?" I asked her, honestly. "But we are in a perfect time in our lives. We are living together, we are in New York together and our lives can finally piece together. We don't need to think too much into the future because, right now, this is the future we have been dreaming about for a long time."

Santana smiled and looked up at me. "How do you always know what to say?" I shrugged.

"I'm just awesome." Ianswered smiling down at her. "And I know you and what things you like to hear. But what I just said is the truth. We are fine where we are and instead of thinking about the future, we are going to enjoy where we are now."

"I'm down with that." Santana agreed standing up holding her hand out. "So how about we go and grab a couple of hot dogs whilst we enjoy being together in this moment?"

I smiled taking her hand allowing her to help me up to my feet. "Now that sounds awesome. Let's do that."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders feeling her wrap her arm around my waist. It was a perfect position and I will admit, I like being taller. It was nice to be able to hold her in my arms and have her lay her head on my chest. If we are laying in bed or on the couch I can hold her from behind whilst we sleep or cuddle. It was my favourite position actually, not going to lie. I just liked being the taller one because in past relationships they had been taller than me like Sam and Mike. But now I got that opportunity and I loved it; no one could take that away.

We walked up to the hot dog stand and ordered two hot dogs. I asked for ketchup on mine whereas Santana wanted both. How she can like mustard is beyond me but it's what she likes so won't judge her for it. We walked beside each other and decided to walk around New York for a bit until Santana had to go and see Rachel and everyone else. I could do with the extra time to myself anyway so I could practice my dance audition again before I go. I knew it off by heart, but you know. The extra time would help. We walked back to the apartment afterwards and cuddled on the couch before Santana had to leave. I kissed her goodbye and got to work on practising for my dance audition.

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Later that night I was laid on the couch waiting for Santana to return. I had my audition so I just had to wait for them to call me before I knew if was going to be accepted or not. I would be joining in the second semester but that didn't matter to me. As long as I was in the school it didn't matter. I got up during the break of a show I was watching to get myself a glass of water when the door opened. Santana walked in putting her coat up on the hook then walked towards me kissing my lips softly. I smiled kissing her back before pulling away drinking my glass of water.

"How was the show babe?" I asked leaning against the counter looking at her in curiosity.

"She nailed it." Santana responded smiling at me. "Like she could do any less than perfect."

I laughed and nodded. "So true. So what happened?"

"Well Kurt called me in the cab explaining that Rachel was freaking out, so I found some reviews online about Barbra Streisand when she was going to be playing Fannie back when she was going to first do it, so I would be able to convince her. Even though mine and Rachel's relationship isn't exactly like our friendship is, I can get through to her. So I walked in and read her the reviews and I told her I'm not going to give her a pep talk since that is Mr Schue's thing." Santana explained taking a gulp of my water before taking her shoes off.

"So true." I nodded in agreement since it was. God his pep talks were just...wow. That man could go on forever, but they actually worked so can't complain.

"So after explaining that she was perfect for the part and all that I walked out and she was out of bed within a minute of me being out the room. She became Fannie on that stage and killed it." Santana stated smiling. "Anyway, after today I just want to go to bed."

"We can do that. That show was boring anyway." I told her turning the TV off.

"What were you watching anyway?" Santana asked, yawning whilst we walked to our bedroom.

"Something about an Aquarium. Seemed interesting, but it bored me."

We walked into the bedroom after turning the rest of the lights off into the apartment and making sure the front door was locked. I did all that so Santana could get into bed quicker. I walked into the bedroom and stripped my clothes off folding them and putting them on the chair and when I looked at Santana she was already comfortable. I smiled and slid behind her wrapping my arms around her reaching up turning the light off.

"Night Britt." She mumbled taking my hand entwining our fingers. "I love you."

I smiled kissing her head. "I love you too. Sweet dreams, angel."

I smiled and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe how amazing life was right now. I told my parents and my sister all about how life was now and they had told me about coming up to see us which was great. All I wanted to do was live my life with the beautiful woman in my arms and even though there was a future for us, I didn't want to think about anything except being here in this moment with the love of my life. Everything had now fallen into place and life was just the way it should be.


	2. See You Around

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Glee**

 **I turned and watched her walk away. She was right in what she said and I now understood why she was in my life. She was here to help me live my life**

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25th October 2016

The first time I saw her was in the coffee shop. I was on my way to NYADA when I saw her and I just knew I wanted to get to know her. I didn't care how but I knew that before the week was up I wanted to get the blonde with the gorgeous blue eyes to notice me. I needed to. She was sat with a group of friends in the far corner and she didn't notice me. Why would she? The girl is gorgeous and I am just...not. She has hot friends and I hardly have any. The only friend I have is my best friend Puck. But even with him as my best friend it wasn't enough. He was off doing other things such as getting laid. I didn't care about that. I always had a thing for blondes. Ever since I was in school and had a crush on the head cheerleader. I was now in college and I still didn't get noticed.

I ordered my coffee and stood aside as I waited for it. I didn't like keeping people waiting so I always stood aside and waited for my coffee that way. The woman behind the counter handed me my coffee and I headed for the door. Unfortunately for me I didn't look where I was going and I bumped right into someone. I looked up to see who it was to apologize and I saw it was the blonde haired beauty. Fuck. Now what do I do? I muttered an apology and before you could say another word I was gone. I rushed up to college trying to forget about embarrassing myself in front of you. I had to forget about it and concentrate on important things. Such as college. God I hope I don't see you again. One embarrassing moment is enough for a lifetime.

2nd November 2016

I hadn't seen the blonde since I embarrassed myself in front of her. I was relieved since I had enough embarrassing memories to last me a lifetime. I walked into the coffee shop again and ordered the same drink. I stood to the side again and got my drink and took a seat. It was early morning so not many people were around. My roommates were annoying as hell so I always tried to stay out of the dorm room. I was sharing with a girl called Rachel who just sang all the time at the top of her lungs and always used the excuse of practicing for school, which was a stupid excuse in my opinion. I also shared with this other girl called Tina. She was more quiet but when her boyfriend came over they were usually at it all night if you catch my drift. I make sure to go to sleep early whenever she mentions her boyfriend coming over. Then the final person I live with is Kurt. He is alright but he is best friends with Rachel and has his own boyfriend so he is over a lot so they sing together. Annoying as hell. It's like I can't catch a break no matter what.

I look through the magazine whilst taking sips from my coffee when I felt a presence around me. Don't ask how I always know that because I don't even know. I slowly looked up and I saw the girl standing there. My heart started to beat faster. Did she remember me bumping into her? Is she angry at me Does she want to get me back for getting in her way? But she didn't. She just smiled at me with her hands partly in her pockets looking at me with her beautiful smile.

"Hey. Can I borrow some of the milk you have there? I usually have some with my coffee but there is none left." She asked.

I looked at her and just nodded shyly handing her the milk I had on the table. I was fine without it and I usually only used one of the milks so I handed her the rest. She smiled and picked them up.

"Thank you. I'll see you around."

She smiled and walked away back to her friends. I watched her go then turned back around not wanting to look weird for staring. God I must have looked so stupid not speaking. The thing is I can't really talk to girls. I freeze up and my throat just goes dry. I sighed and went back to my magazine and coffee. Girls like her don't go for girls like me. I just had to remember that and I could forget about her.

18th November 2016

Puck had been on my back about going with him to get him a suit. He's been going after this girl who has a thing for men in suits so Puck, obviously, decides to go and buy a suit so he can go and fuck this girl. It'll be a onetime thing as well and he'll never wear it again. I don't understand him sometimes.

"So what do you think of this one?" He asked looking at me. He was wearing a white suit with white pants and it just didn't go.

"No I don't like it." I told him honestly shaking my head. I look around the shop and pick up some black pants throwing them in his direction. "Try them with the white blazer. Might work."

"See this is why you're my bro!" He grinned walking back into the changing room. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I still can't believe you're going all out on a suit just to sleep with this one girl." I said rolling my eyes looking around. "It seems pointless since you'll never wear it again."

"Ah but you see San that's the beauty of it. I sleep with her with this suit and she could come back for more or I could meet another girl who like men in suits." He explained which in my opinion made no sense.

"Well if you say so. I'm just gonna go to the toilet and I'll be back." I told him and I heard him shout an "okay" before I walked out of the shop making my way to the toilets.

I walked to the toilets and found the cubical I usually go in and relieved myself then flushed the toilet and walked to the sinks to wash my hands. I heard the door open and close when an angry looking blonde walked to the sinks and splashed water in her face. I looked down knowing that this would be a bad time to try conversation when she noticed me and her anger faded. I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back and turned to me.

"If we keep bumping into each other like this we should at least know each other's names, don't you think?"

I nodded and got some paper towels to dry my hands with then turned back to her. She smiled standing in front of me holding her hand out.

"Brittany Pierce. Senior at Julliard."

I looked at her hand and shakily took it shaking her hand. Her hands were actually really soft. Not that I thought anything different but she had really soft hands.

"S-Santana L-Lopez. S-Sophomore at N-NYADA."

"You're only a sophomore? I thought you were older than that." She said shocked but then shrugged her shoulders. "Doesn't matter to me. Age is nothing but a number, right?"

I bit my lip and nodded. She looked like a senior and it was probably why she was so popular and had quite a lot of friends with her being in her last year at college and everything. Julliard was known for the dancers they have there. I applied there but didn't get in but I'm glad I didn't or I'd be distracted seeing her around every day

"Well I'm sorry to cut this short but I have something to sort out elsewhere. But I'll see you around."

I smiled and nodded watching her walk away. It amazed me just how much we saw each other. I was so caught up in watching her go I forgot all about Puck. Damn! I walked out of the restroom and walked back to the shop where Puck was. He was standing there with his suit on looking in the mirror. He turned to me and smirked.

"I look hot. She's going to love me!"

"Yeah dream on, Puckerman. Just get the suit so we can leave." I said leaning against the wall waiting for him.

"Oh yeah forgot you have your nerd fest to get back to." He responded walking back into the changing room getting dressed. "You really need a girlfriend!"

I rolled my eyes. We have had this conversation many times but I don't he got the whole not being able to talk to girls thing. I was surprised I could speak to Brittany. I smiled thinking about our meet up in the restroom earlier. At least I knew her name now which was definitely a step up from a few weeks ago. Puck walked out of the changing room and went to pay for his suit. I wish I had the confidence he did then maybe I would have confidence around Brittany.

28th November 2016

I hated Mondays so much. It was always a drag to get out of bed every day and to get myself to my lesson. I was quite lucky to be here to be fair to still. Being in education still sucks and I hate it. I was just glad to get away from Lima. I came out as a lesbian there by being found kissing another girl. Surprising with how I am now but it's true. She was my best friend at the time but after that she got shipped away by her parents and we weren't allowed to see each other again. It was sad but I think from her perspective, it was for the best.

I sighed and dragged myself out of bed getting ready to go to lesson. I was still tired so I wasn't happy that I had to get myself into lesson. I walked downstairs after getting ready and making sure I was presentable then walked out of the door and out onto the street. I am terrible at not looking what I'm supposed to be doing when I am tired. All I want is my bed which isn't possible saying I had a lesson in less than half an hour. I sighed and walked towards NYADA half asleep.

Ever since I had gotten Brittany's name I couldn't stop thinking about her. It was another thing about her. She was just so memorable and I had even been dreaming about her. Damn, I didn't mean to tell you that. It doesn't sound too creepy does it? I shook my head and walked across the road with my bag on my shoulder walking up to the college when I bumped into someone. I turned to apologize when I was looking at a gorgeous pair of bright blue eyes which I knew belonged to Brittany. She shot a wide smile in my direction.

"Santana! I wondered when I would see you again." She said pulling me into a hug before pulling away keeping her hands on my arms. "You look shattered. You alright?"

I nodded and yawned. "E-Early l-lesson."

"Ah. I was just about to meet some friends at the coffee shop. I would ask you to join but you're busy so." She said shrugging her shoulders pulling away. "Maybe next time."

"N-Next time." I promised with a smile. "B-But I really have t-to go n-now."

"Oh! Yes, of course. Sorry." She apologized stepping back. "But before you go can I have your number? So we can contact each other? We keep bumping into one another so we might as well, right?"

I looked at her surprised. She wants my number? But why? I'm no one special. I mean I'm the girl who bumped into her the first time we met and she's still not brought that up. I shook my head to get out of my thoughts and got my phone out looking for my number. I looked through it and finally found it handing my phone to the blonde haired beauty in front of me. She grinned and got her phone out copying my number into it then gives it back to me. I put it back into my pocket with a smile on my face.

"I'll text you okay? See you around."

She walked one way whilst I walked the opposite. I walked up to the building when I felt my phone vibrate. I got my phone out and smiled when I saw a message from Brittany.

 **From Unknown: Hey it's Brittany. I'm sorry, I just couldn't wait to text you. Have a good lesson! I hope you don't mind me saying but you have really pretty eyes :) xx**

I blushed at her comment. She thought I had pretty eyes? I always thought mine were quite dull and boring actually. I saved her number to my phone and pocketed it walking into my lesson not being able to get the smile off of my face.

5th December 2016

Okay so I know I said I was going to forget her but now I don't think it was possible. We have been texting none stop for the past week and I just couldn't help but want her even more. I knew I now had a crush on this girl but I wanted to know more about her. I knew things about what her plans were after college and about her family already. We spoke about different things from her girlfriend, which I wasn't happy about, to her hobbies. But I should have known that Brittany would have a girlfriend. A gorgeous woman like her wouldn't be single. No chance.

I sat in the coffee shop where I usually sat and tried to get some of my work done. I could never do it in the dorm room because of my roommates, so this morning I just got up and left. The waitress was kind enough to come up to me and refill my cup whenever it needed refilling. It saved me going up there so I was happy. I had all of this work to do before next week and I was shitting it. I was terrible at meeting deadlines funnily enough. I always get distracted by something or in this case, someone.

I was looking over some notes when I felt hands go over my eyes. I smiled and sat up waiting for the person to speak.

"Guess who." A soft voice whispered in my ear. I let out a shaky breath as the voice, which I knew belonged to Brittany, travelled through my ear. I felt her breath as she whispered which made thing worse.

"Hmm well only one person I know h-has that k-kind of voice so I will g-guess B-Brittany." I guessed playing along with her game even though I knew who it was. The soft hands came away from my eyes and I watched the blonde sat opposite me.

"You are good at guessing!"

I shrugged playing with my pen. "I try. What are y-you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

I blushed looking down at my work. "Why?"

The blonde laughed from where she was sitting in front of me. " Because I want to see you that's why. So I'm lucky to have caught you here. I wanted to ask you something."

I looked up at her. What could she have to ask me? It wasn't often that a girl like Brittany spoke to me so I felt really lucky already. I looked at her with a curious expression on my face and I watched as she reached over taking my hand in hers. I looked at our hands feeling my heart pound against my chest. We had never touched each other before apart from the quick hand shake in the restroom the other week. I felt like my skin was on fire but in the best way possible. Her touch was just amazing and her skin was just as soft as I remembered.

"Will you come to a party with me?" She asked looking right at me. It made me nervous but in a good way. "I know you don't usually do parties but it's a Christmas party and I want someone to go with so...will you come with me?"

What do I say to that? The only parties I went to in high school I ended up getting humiliated but I'm not in high school anymore. I'm at college and it's Brittany asking. How can I say no?

"I-Is it a c-college party?"

She shook her head which surprised me. So if it wasn't a college party then what party was it? It confused me and now with Brittany moving her fingers over the top of my hand it was hard to concentrate.

"No it's just a small friend one but all of us said we'd all have someone to go with and I want to take you so will you come? I know high school wasn't the best experience for you but nothing will happen to you, I promise."

I held up my hand showing my pinkie. "Pinkie swear?"

She looked at me and wrapped her pinkie around mine smiling. "Pinkie swear."

"Okay then I'll g-go." I smiled pulling my hand away. "B-But never l-leave my side."

"Never. I'll be right beside you the whole time."

I was glad she took this seriously. We talked about our high school experiences a few days ago and I opened up about it so she knew exactly what kind of experience I had. I hated it and I don't want a repeat of high school. I couldn't take anymore. She took my hand back in hers stroking it.

"Thank you for agreeing. I'll look after you." She promised and for some reason, I believed her. I saw her grin and pull her hand away standing up. "Okay, so I have to go now. Don't spend too long in here."

I smiled watching her. She looked at me and leant in kissing my cheek. Okay, I did not see that one coming. She pulled away and smiled looking at me whispering in my ear. "See you around Santana."

I blushed looking down whilst she pulled away walking out of the coffee shop. How can one person make such a big difference in my life? And even though I don't like letting people in or talking to girls in general without getting speechless, I had allowed Brittany in. I sighed happily going back to my work with the blonde on my mind.

16th December 2016

What the hell am I going to do? I have nothing to wear to this party and the only person I have to give me dress sense is Puck. I did ask him and he just thought I should wear something sexy and revealing so it shocked her and she'd want me. I mean I want her and of course that'd be awesome but, it's just not me. I was looking around the shop looking for a dress of some sorts. I didn't usually wear dresses but I'll make an exception for her. I always did.

I took a couple of dresses that looked decent and walked to the changing room and waited in the line that was there when a pair of arms went around my waist I tensed at first but when I looked down at the arms I instantly knew who was behind me.

"Hey San!" She greeted happily pulling away to stand beside me. "Looking for an outfit a day before the party? You're brave."

"I-I haven't had t-time so."

She nudged my shoulder and winked at me. "Only joking. I was doing the same thing. You got anything decent?"

I shrugged my shoulders looking down at the dresses I was holding. She looked at where I was looking and took the dresses looking at them. She looked from me to the dresses and shook her head.

"I'll be right back."

I watched her confused holding the dresses in my arms whilst I waited. She obviously knew just by looking at me that I didn't wear dresses but I was trying. After a few minutes she returned with some pants and a jacket with a top. She handed them to me taking the dresses.

"You'll look great in them. I can tell you don't wear dresses so don't wear something you're not comfortable wearing." She told me with a smile. She moved her hand moving some hair that was falling over my face and tucked it behind my ear. "You'll look beautiful."

I shook my head. "I'm n-not and don't you have a g-girlfriend?" I asked quietly and I felt a finger push my chin up until I was looking into a pair of blue eyes.

"You are beautiful Santana, no matter what anyone says. My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago so don't worry about her. Just remember every time you get down about yourself that I think you're beautiful."

Brittany think I'm beautiful? I can't believe it. She doesn't seem the type of person to think people like me are beautiful. I don't even look it to be honest, but if Brittany thinks I am then I can at least have that in the back of my mind. I smiled and nodded my head. She pulled away and looked around. I saw her look at a group of people nearby which I guessed were Brittany's friends. She looked down at me.

"I have to go but send me a picture of the outfit you try on. I'll see you around."

She smiled stroking my cheek before walking away back to her friends. I smiled to myself and walked into the changing rooms to try on the outfit. I looked at myself and I actually looked pretty good. I got my phone out taking a picture of the outfit sending it to Brittany. I decided on getting the outfit so I took it off and started to put my own clothes back on when my phone vibrated. I looked at the phone and smiled.

 **From Brittany: See? I told you would look beautiful and you do in that outfit. Always remember to be yourself Santana :) xx**

How was being myself going to get me anywhere? I had been myself for so long and people didn't like it. I hardly had any friends and the only person I have made out with got sent away by her parents. What does that say exactly?

 **To Brittany: How is being myself getting me anywhere? Being myself only gets me laughed at and ignored by others xx**

I got dressed fully and put my shoes on gathering the clothes together when my phone went off again. I looked at it and smiled not being able to hide it whilst I walked to go and pay for my clothes.

 **From Brittany: 'Beauty is being the best possible version of yourself inside and out.' Xx**

24th December 2016

It had been just over a week since I last saw Brittany at the party. It hadn't been too bad and she did enjoy herself but she didn't talk to anyone but Brittany so when she went off to talk to her friends I just sat on one of the free sofas so I was out of the way. Today was Christmas Eve and even though it was a big deal for most, it wasn't for me. Actually I hated Christmas Eve. Four years ago my parents both got killed in a car crash on this day so it was really depressing for me. I didn't like talking to anyone really. When I was at school it didn't matter because no one bothered me and technically even now I didn't have anyone bother me.

I walked to the flower shop to get a bunch of flowers for their grave. They met each other in New York at college so I made sure that they got buried here since it was the place where they first met. I walked into the shop and looked at the flowers that were available. I always got Camellias because they were mom's favorite flowers and dad always bought them for her every year on their anniversary so I always made sure that every year I put the same flowers on their grave. I got a bunch of the flowers and paid for them and walked out walking through New York towards the graveyard. I was at the gate when I heard a voice calling my name and footsteps running towards me. I turned around and I was facing Brittany.

"Hey, I have been looking for you." She panted looking at me then to the flowers. "Where have you been?"

Truth was, I didn't know. I had been in my own mind since the party and no one had been able to get through to me. I didn't speak to my roommates anyway and they all knew to leave me alone on Christmas Eve. They all gave me looks of sympathy and I appreciated it. I sighed shaking my head.

"I don't know where I have been." I admitted looking from the flowers to the blonde in front of me. "I haven't purposely been ignoring you. I haven't really spoken to anyone."

I looked at her and saw her head move up and down with a look that showed she had missed me but that she understood as well. I appreciated it because I don't think I could handle her telling me to talk to her instead of needing time alone. Well she was older so she is probably more mature.

"I understand. Are you visiting someone in here?" She asked curiously motioning to the graveyard beyond the gate. "It's sad when you have to visit the people you love in these places. I have to do this for my younger brother unfortunately. He died from leukemia a year ago."

I gave her a look of sympathy. I had no idea she had a brother to begin with so to hear she had lost her younger brother to cancer is awful. It was a cancer of the blood or bone marrow where the body doesn't produce enough white blood cells and even though children are more likely to recover from it, it's sad when they don't.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I told her but she shook her head.

"It's okay. He fought for as long as he could. I'm proud of him." She told me with a smile on her face. "Who are you visiting?"

I sighed looking down at the flowers. "My parents. They died in a car crash four years ago. I made sure to get them buried here because...they met here. I thought it was appropriate." I explained not being able to look up. I heard a gasp come from Brittany's mouth.

"Santana I'm so sorry. That must be awful. I couldn't imagine losing my parents like that." She said stroking my arm with her hand. "I'm here if you need me."

"Thank you." I whispered and looked up at her. "I don't even celebrate Christmas anymore. I can't because I get too upset over it. I know I probably won't see you for a while since it's Christmas so I hope you have a good one. You deserve it."

I turned to walk away when I felt her hand wrap around my forearm stopping me from moving. She walked around to face me and cupped my cheek looking at me. I looked back curiously wondering what she was doing since she did always surprise me. She gave me one of her smiles before speaking.

"Okay two things. One, I am proud of you because your stutter has started t go around me." She said looking at me.

I smiled and nodded. I had tried my hardest to try and get rid of it whilst I was around her so I didn't look stupid and I didn't want the stutter there whilst I was attending a party with her and I guess it had just stuck. She moved hair out of my face standing closer to me with her hands cupping my cheeks stroking them with her thumbs.

"And two, you deserve a good Christmas as much as the next person. Don't hide yourself away, okay? If you need me then you text me and I'll be right there."

I looked at her and nodded before looking down at the flowers I was holding in my hands. She smiled and kissed my cheek before pulling away removing her hands from my face. I walked to the gate to open it when Brittany started speaking from behind me.

"'Death leaves a heart ache no one can heal but love leaves a memory no one can steal.' Remember that. I'll see you around."

I heard her footsteps move away and down the street. I turned and watched her walk away. She was right in what she said and I now understood why she was in my life. She was here to help me live my life instead of living in the past and I couldn't help but feel like my parents sent her to me. I looked up at the sky and smiled then entered the graveyard to go and see my parents.

27th December 2016

This Christmas hadn't been too bad for once. Brittany made sure that I was happy and enjoying myself. On Christmas Day she even came round and spent the day with me. It was so sweet of her. I was currently laid on my bed watching tv when there was a knock at the door and a blonde woman walked in. I smiled noticing who it was. She was just dressed casually but she still looked hot. Okay I hope I didn't say that out loud She smiled and closed the door walking to the bed sitting down beside me taking some of the popcorn that I had laying on my stomach.

"What we watching?" She asked whilst munching on the popcorn she had in her mouth. I looked at her and smiled in amusement then back at the tv not wanting to be caught looking at her.

"We're watching A Walk To Remember."

"Santana as if you are watching a sad film right now when you are already sad." She shook her head telling me. "You need to be watching a happy film and this is definitely not a happy film."

"I like it." I argued eating some popcorn myself sitting up slightly. "It may be sad but it's a beautiful love story.

"The way they fall in love is beautiful but she dies at the end and that is not a love story I would want to be part of. Would you?" She asked turning her head towards me. "Where the one you love dies at the end?"

"Well no of course not but I just like the falling in love part. Not the whole dying part." I mumbled looking at her. "I do want to fall in love some day and I'd love someone to show me how much they do, every day. Like them telling me they love me just because they want to and I'd love them to take me out and show me off because they're proud that I'm their girlfriend. But since that isn't going to happen anytime soon let's get back to the movie."

I felt Brittany's eyes on me but since she didn't say anything, I left it. I knew she was going to find that someday but I would be very surprised if I did. Even if I did it wouldn't last long because nothing good every lasts long anyway. I watched the film when I felt Brittany move closer to me moving the popcorn bowl off of my stomach. I watched her curiously when she laid down beside me curling her body into my side with her arm across my stomach. I looked at her curiously and moved my arm around her moving my fingers up and down her back. I heard her sigh happily which made me smile.

"You will find that someday Santana." She whispered into my ear. "Because I'll make sure it happens."

I smiled and continued to watch the movie. The thing about watching them is that they make me tired since I am laying down whilst watching them I felt my eyes start to close whilst I held Brittany putting my hand flat on her back keeping it there. The movie was still playing ad I felt myself slowly falling to sleep. Before I fell into a deep sleep I heard Brittany whisper into my ear.

"If you were my girlfriend, I would make sure you knew how much I loved you and I would do everything you just said to prove it to you and more." Brittany confessed.

Even though her confession shocked me, it made me smile. It was the first time I fell asleep with a smile on my face in quite some time.

31st December 2016

New Years Eve. A year has passed and even though it sucked, I loved it as well. Well I have loved it ever since October where I met Brittany. She brought so much light into my life. She is the one who had got me to go to a party and she had helped stop my stuttering. I couldn't be more grateful to her for making my life better. I was now at a gathering for New Year with her and her friends. Most of them were drinking but since I didn't, I stood and watched everyone make a fool of themselves. It was funny to watch to be honest and it was way better than the shit on tv I would usually watch on New Year. I saw Brittany talking and dancing with her friends which made me smile. She looked so beautiful and so carefree which is what I loved about her. Wait, what? Love? No I didn't mean that. I can't love someone after knowing them for just over two months. I meant like. Yeah, that's what I meant.

I decided to go and get another drink from the kitchen. Luckily it was empty right now so I could just walk in and get something to drink. It was only J2O but still nice. I didn't agree with drinking ever since I found out the car that crashed into my parents was a person who was drunk. I stopped drinking ever since it happened. I didn't agree with it but that was my personal opinion. I didn't judge people who drank because it was a time to have fun. Especially New Years Eve because it was a new year. I walked back into the room when I felt a hand on my wrist pulling me to the sofa that was currently unoccupied. I smiled when I saw Brittany. She sat down and pulled me to sit on her lap wrapping her arms around me. She was giggling and burying her face into my neck.

"Are you drunk, Britt?" I asked amused letting a smile creep up onto my face.

"I'm not drunk!" She squeaked out letting out a hiccup. "I'm having fun and I want to have fun with you."

I laughed and picked up a glass of water handing it to her to drink. She smiled at me and took the water drinking all of it. She must be thirsty then. I smiled watching her drink the water. She looked beautiful tonight an there was no denying she was the most beautiful one here. I laughed as she slammed her glass down on the table.

"Feel better?" I asked smirking. She looked at me and laughed.

"I do thank you. Are you having fun?"

I shrugged letting a smile appear on my face. "I guess so yes. You made it better."

She smiled and nodded resting her forehead against my shoulder pulling me closer. I looked at the clock and I noticed it was a minute until midnight and a start of another year. Would be it good? Maybe. Am I excited? A little bit. But what I did know was if I had Brittany I knew I would be okay. I looked at Brittany who looked back at me.

"You know when you bumped into me in the coffee shop I was glad you did."

I looked at her curiously. "Why are you glad I did that? I could have hurt you."

I heard everyone cheering about it being 30 seconds until New Year. I turned to her and straddled her lap looking at her. She smiled moving her hands up my arms to stroke them soothingly.

"If you never did that, I would have never have met the beautiful woman in front of me." She stated with a smile moving her hands up to cup my cheeks. "And I know we have only known each other a couple of months but I really like you Santana. And I hope it's not too soon to say but I really want to be with you. I want to do all those things you told me about showing everyone that you're mine and telling you how much I love you. I know it's not love yet but I want to do that eventually."

Was she bring serious? She wanted to b with me? Is this real life right now? I looked at her when I heard the countdown start. I had to make a choice in the next ten seconds.

 _Ten...Nine...Eight_

Brittany stroked her cheeks with a smile on her face sitting up straight so I wouldn't have to lean down too far. I smiled at her. This is what I want. All I want is Brittany but could I feel confident enough to be with her?

 _Seven...Six_

"Stop thinking so much. Just give in to what you want." She encouraged me stroking my cheeks with her thumbs.

She was right. I needed to give in to what I want and what I want is Brittany. Just her. I knew that a couple of months ago when I walked into the coffee shop and I know now. My answer hasn't changed. I looked down at her and made a decision. I needed Brittany in my life and as my girlfriend.

 _Five...Four...Three_

Three Seconds and this year would be up. Three seconds and everything about this year would be put behind me. Three seconds and I wanted my lips on Brittany's. She knew what I wanted too since she kept her hands on my cheeks and leant up. I was worried what would happen after this but right now I didn't care. This time I would forget about the past and live in the moment and right now, this moment will take my life in an entire different direction. I leant down moving my hands to cup her neck.

 _Two...One_

I heard the cheers of everyone behind us but I didn't care about them. I smiled when mine and Brittany's lips touched for the first time. I swear I saw fireworks and I was glad. Her lips were so soft and I felt her move her hands to my back moving her lips with mine. It was a perfect moment with an even more perfect girl. I ran my fingers through her hair feeling how soft her hair is. Our lips stayed connected for quite a while whilst we kissed but after a while we had to pull away for air. I was panting leaning my forehead against hers.

"So...will you be my girlfriend?" She asked hopefully.

She moved her hands up and down my sides and I nodded against her forehead whispering a "yes" before our lips connected again. The thing is life is all about moments and some of these moments can change our lives forever and I knew that this moment was one of those life changing moments that I would remember forever. Brittany Pierce changed my life and I am glad that she did.


	3. Last Breath

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Glee**

 **Brittany thinks back to her life with her wife and how short life actually is**

xxxxxxxxxx

I didn't think I would ever have to be in this position. Even thinking about losing someone you love isn't something a person thinks of on a daily basis but now here I am at my wife's bedside holding her hand wishing that I could be anywhere else bit here. It has been a hard road the past year and I just wish that a miracle would happen to make her better but they don't happen very often. It all started with her just getting dizzy frequently then it developed to her getting serious headaches to her personality changing and weakness over the left side of her body. Unfortunately by the time they found it, it was too large to remove. No one imagines anyone they love dying because who wants the love of their life to die?

I met the love of my life when I was in kindergarten. I was playing in the sandbox when two bullies came up to me and destroyed what was making and obviously when you are that age something like that would upset you so I ended up in tears over it with them laughing at me. It was not a fun experience. Anyway a girl came over and started yelling at these boys and threatened then that if they ever picked on me again she would make sure made them cry ten times harder. They ran so fast I thought they would have bumped into something. She told me her name was Santana and she wanted to become my friend. Obviously when you are that age making a new friend is an easy thing to do so I accepted and we became best friend. From then on we were inseparable. Our parents had trouble even keeping us apart but even when they tried, we got around it.

As Santana and I grew older we became closer and closer. It was something people just seemed to accept and they thought we were just really close best friends and for years that was technically true but when we entered high school, everything changed. We joined the Cheerios that made us popular and I loved it because I got to dance all the time which is one of my passions. Dancing began, for me, when I was three years old. Mom put me in dance class because she wanted me to do something except from sitting at home watching tv, so she put me in ballet class. I was skeptical at first because I wasn't very good at making new friends usually and when you're not good at that it wasn't exactly easy to feel accepted into a class, but as soon as I stepped into it, I felt right at home. It felt as though I was supposed to be there because my feet just followed what the teacher was doing and I picked everything up really fast. By the time I was five I could dance three different dances and that was within two years of just starting to dance. It has been special to me ever since and in some respect it still is. Anyway Santana and I joined the Cheerios as I said and everything was going great. We met a girl called Quinn Fabray and she started to hang around with us too. It was nice because we had sleepovers and everything which is what your high school experience is supposed to be like. Santana and I still had our time together too even with Quinn joining us. But when it got to sophomore year things started to change. I was used to seeing Santana in her underwear but one night when she was getting changed at my house I felt my heart beat faster than it usually did and I suddenly felt very nervous to be around her. My feelings started to change and I wasn't sure whether I wanted that. Who wants to develop a crush on their best friend exactly?

As the months went on my feelings got worse and I knew that I was starting to develop a crush on Santana. It didn't bother me she was a girl since I remember having a crush on a girl in middle school but it was the fact that it was Santana that I had known since I was five years old. I hated thinking about her that way but it did start to make sense. She was my best friend who I had known for a while and she wasn't exactly ugly. She was gorgeous actually and I had noticed that since I was young but I just thought it was me appreciating the way she looked. Apparently not. Anyway one night we went to a party Puck had arranged. All of the footballers and cheerleaders attended so San and I attended too. That night changed my entire life. Whilst we were there we chatted to different cheerleaders and footballers and even danced with a few people but after a while we got very drunk. We were dancing together quite intimately might I add when Santana turned around and whispered in my ear about going upstairs with her and since I didn't think anything of it, I agreed. She took my hand, which wasn't unusual for us, and took me to one of the bedrooms and this is the weird thing. She kissed me. I mean she just pushed me into the room and kissed me. She claimed it was to practice for when we got to kiss boys but I knew better. It was too intimate for just practice so I just went along with it but one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. See what I mean by it changing my life? Yeah things kind of escalated from there.

Just seeing her laying in bed like this was heartbreaking. All I can think about is wanting to see her smile and I can imagine her telling me not to be upset over this and that these things happen but no, it doesn't. We are only 30 years old so why is this happening to her? She has done nothing wrong to anyone and she is the one that is laying on her death bed right now. You don't realize how little time you have in life and that every day you should cherish because you don't know when you could be taken from the world. I wish I could trade places with Santana because she doesn't deserve this. I love her too much to let her go like this but right now, her brain is gone. The doctor told me that she can't live on and the only thing keeping her alive is the life machine she is hooked to and even though I am being incredibly selfish right now, I can't handle telling the doctors to turn the life support off. It will kill me to do so but I remember Santana telling me that when she gets to this stage, I need to be brave enough to let her go. She is already gone but her body is still alive which is what i am holding onto. To think that not only I will be affected but our son will be too. We had a son together five years ago since we had stable jobs and everything but now, I will have to raise him alone without the support of my wife. Now all I will have are memories of her. I really wish I could just turn back time and find the signs so she could have been saved. I can just feel my heart breaking looking at her. My eyes hadn't stopped watering since she had been in this condition and I'm honestly surprised I hadn't dried out yet. I held her hand between mine stroking the top of it looking at how perfect she looked. I smiled leaning down kissing her hand closing my eyes letting my tears fall.

Being friends who kissed with Santana wasn't exactly easy. Yes, it was amazing to kiss her because my stomach went crazy but when I saw her kissing other guys? Well let's just say I didn't feel too good after that. I felt a feeling inside me that I hadn't felt before. All I wanted to do was go up to that guy and just punch him and pull Santana away. Yes, I was starting to become jealous of other guys. It was horrible since I had never felt like that when I had seen her with other people before. I think it was because of my crush on her that I was acting like this. I wouldn't tell her about it obviously but I still wanted to punch the guys she kissed or hurt them without Santana knowing. I know I am generally innocent but in high school my inner feelings weren't very nice against other guys around my crush. Santana and I did kiss more and more and we did eventually start having sex more than just the first time we did it. It was special to me since she was my first but she doesn't know that. Well she didn't then anyway. Things started to become more complicated since she was insistent that it was what friends do for one another but I knew that this was more than just sex. It was a lot more but she wouldn't believe me when I told her so I kept quiet after that. I wasn't going to cause arguments with her but it did make me feel sad when she mentioned having sex with someone else. I didn't want her doing that but what could I do really? She was going to do whatever she wanted anyway and I couldn't do anything about it. But what Santana didn't know was that I can get my own back on people and since she was deciding to sleep with other people then so would I.

This continued all the way through junior year as well but the difference was that I noticed Santana starting to open up more about her feelings. But the funny thing is that she started opening up more when I started to date Artie. Funny how she decides to open up after I get a boyfriend and not before. But obviously just because she was opening up to me didn't make a difference. She was still scared about her feelings so breaking it off with Artie was not going to solve anything. He was a really nice guy and I wasn't going to ruin the relationship we had. I really liked him and Santana was just opening up because she knew she didn't have me all to herself. She was a very jealous person. She even got me to sleep with her whilst being with Artie which I felt guilty for and her opinion was that since the plumbing was different, it wasn't classed as cheating. I'm not stupid and I knew what cheating was but I did it just to keep having sex with Santana. I enjoyed it and she made me feel good so who was I to stop doing that? Later on that year Artie and I eventually did break up when he called me stupid but Santana and I didn't jump into a relationship or anything. She had to work her feelings out and so did I. I knew what I wanted of course but she kept pretending to be with guys and it hurt. She had gone out with Sam that year and got Karofsky to be her beard. I thought they were together at the time so it really did hurt seeing as she told me how she felt and that she was in love with me only weeks before. See what I mean about complicated?

All I had wanted was Santana. Just her and no one else and eventually I did get that in my senior year. It was the best year of my life and things just went from perfect from there on out. I did have to repeat my senior year but we did it long distance and it worked out. She came home every other weekend and made sure to spend as much time as possible with me. It always made my heart beat faster and I loved how she made it work and after my repeat of senior year we finally was able to move to New York together and start our lives. And we did actually. We studied at college but we had our own apartment and got through any problems we faced. It was worth going through the pain knowing I would be with the woman I loved for the rest of my life and I truly believed that at the time. She was my everything and she still is. But the thing is that everything was perfect then and now, everything is a disaster. I know that I will have to move with Jonah, our son, to another apartment. I won't be able to cope being there without memories just hitting me every day. I always knew why it didn't work out with anyone else. It was because Santana was meant to be my soul mate and we were meant to be together forever but then again, what if this was supposed to happen? You never know what is going to happen until it does happen. I've heard about people's partners dying before and it is always heartbreaking to hear and now I understand why. It kills you inside. One thing I will always remember is our wedding day.

Santana proposed to me on our fifth anniversary and, of course, I said yes so we started planning for the wedding and we got married on our sixth anniversary when we were 24 years old. It was perfect and I will never forget that day. It is a day I will remember for the rest of my life and I now know, for sure, that I won't get married again. I can't. There is no one else that compares to the woman I am with right now. She is beautiful and she just knows me better than anyone else. I love being in her arms and how she tells me she loves me no matter what. She makes me a cup of coffee every morning without fail and we even had an agreement to never go to bed angry which we did go through. She is my life and without her, I'm nothing. I heard the door open behind me so I turned my head around seeing Quinn and my parents walk in. They actually didn't say anything but Quinn walked up to me standing beside me putting a hand on my shoulder for comfort. We all knew what was going to happen but no one wanted to accept it. I certainly didn't and I don't think her parents did either.

"Brittany, the doctor is coming in soon. Did you want Jonah to be kept outside?" Mom asked quietly.

"Bring him in. He needs to say goodbye to Santana. He has as much right as anyone else." I responded sharply looking back at Santana. "He looked up to her and I can't just not let him say goodbye. He needs to."

I heard footsteps signaling that she walked out of the room to get him. I squeezed Santana's hand even though I knew that she couldn't feel it. She was gone and I knew that but she still looked the same. Just as perfect and just as beautiful. How was I supposed to say that they could pull the plug? Santana's parents both passed away around the time of our wedding which was a difficult time so since I'm her wife, it is my decision whether to allow them to pull the plug on the life support but since she was brain dead and had been in this condition for weeks there is nothing that can be done. It is Santana's wish so I am going to respect her wish no matter how hard it is for me. I heard small footsteps and a hand on my leg. I looked down and saw Jonah. I smiled with tears in my eyes and picked him up putting him on my knee.

"Listen baby I think it's time you said goodbye to mami. She isn't going to get better honey and I know this is hard to understand but I think she would appreciate it if you said goodbye to her." I explained the best I could. It's not like I could just go into details but from a young age he's been quite calm in most situations. He doesn't usually cry until he's away from the situation which meant a long night tonight.

"Okay mommy." He agreed with a nod of his head and turned to look at Santana. "Hi mami. Mommy says it's time to say goodbye to you and it's really sad because I'll miss you reading to me at night and tucking me in and waking me up from my naps with a kiss and how you cook the awesomest brownies! I'll really miss you but I won't forget you either. I love you mommy."

I watched him climb onto the bed and kiss her cheek then move back down to me cuddling into me. That had to be the most cutest and most upsetting thing I've ever had to witness. I never wanted him to grow up without one of us but now it is happening, it's hard to believe. I felt my eyes starting to fill with tears and by the looks of it Quinn had noticed since she bend down and picked Jonah up from my lap telling me that she'd look after him. My parents walked out with her knowing that it was time for me to say goodbye. I never wanted to do this and I never thought I would have to but I guess this is it. I'd been by her side the entire time and now I had to say the goodbye speech I took her hand and kissed it looking at her. There was so much to say but how do I begin?

"Hey sweetheart. I don't know really what to say to you at this time because...it's heartbreaking having to do this. You're my life and now a part of me is going to be taken away from me." I began starting to cry slightly. "I-I love you s-so much S-San. How do you live without someone w-who has been a huge part of your life for so long? I-I can't but I also h-have no choice. Remember when you beat up those bullies for me in kindergarten? I will always remember that day. A-Along with the day we got married. I will m-m-miss you s-so much Santana. I'll never f-forget you, b-baby."

That was all I could cope before I burst out into tears. I held onto her hand tightly not wanting to let her go. I needed her and she was being taken away from me. My life would be completely different without her and now I had to face that. I stood up and leant down kissing her on the lips before pulling away stroking her hair looking at her. Life is a crazy thing where things happen to people in all sorts of ways. The thing about losing a loved one though is that when someone you love has to become a memory then that memory becomes a treasure and that is the one thing she knows she has to remember. Santana will always be part of my heart and I know that I will never be with anyone else that is like her. I can't love someone as much as I love my wife.

The door opened and I watched the doctor walk in along with the rest of my friends and family. I walked back from the bed and stood with everyone else. The doctor walked towards the machine that was keeping Santana alive and after a nod from me, he turned it off removing the tubes that were attached to it. I watched my wife take her last breath weeks ago now so when I hear the dreaded beep of the heart monitor I can't take it and I burst into tears right there feeling Quinn and my mom comforting me. Even with her being in a better place, I want her back with me. I want to wrap my arms around her and feel her arms back around me, hear her voice in my ear, hearing her laughter and to see her right there everyday when I wake up in the morning and when I go to sleep at night but I can't. That was it. My wife is gone forever.


	4. Circumstances

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee**

 **She didn't mean for her life to end up like this but, with no doubt in her mind, she knew she wouldn't change one second.**

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It wasn't as though she meant for it to happen, it just…kind of, did. She didn't mean to pick up her best friend's phone, she didn't mean to answer and she certainly didn't mean to hear the voice of an angel on the other end of the phone. Things happen, you can't stop them. Yes, if she knew her best friend had a girlfriend that happened to be the owner of the angelic voice, she wouldn't have answered. If she didn't answer she wouldn't be in this mess. God, she really wished she wasn't in this mess.

She didn't mean to get a text from the girl she heard, she didn't mean to talk to her going behind her best friend's back and she certainly didn't mean to fall for her. Friends don't do that, but that's what happened. Nothing could make it better, but did she want that? No. No, she didn't want that at all. But it happened. Coincidence? Maybe, but most likely not. She didn't believe in them. Things happened for a reason but this…it didn't happen to hurt her best friend, right? No, the universe isn't that cruel.

She didn't mean to meet up with with the girl secretly to hang out with it turning to more than that. She didn't mean to have dinner with the girl with the angelic voice who just so happened to look like an angel herself and end up holding hands throughout the meal. She definitely didn't mean for the hanging out to turn into a date, with the girl walking her home and ending the night with a soft kiss to her lips. Yes, that was definitely not anticipated. She definitely had not expected the day to end up like that.

Ending up dating the angelic girl was not in her plan. She didn't want to hurt her friend but at the same time she wanted to keep the relationship going. She found out the girl's name was Brittany which suited her perfectly. Brittany didn't want to break up with her friend since she hated break ups, but she admitted she liked her more. It made everything worth more. A lot more. She didn't mean to smile and kiss her but she did. Having a secret relationship wasn't meant to happen, but that's what it turned into. She couldn't care less either.

Now thinking that none of the previous things were meant to happen wasn't true. Especially when she finally got to feel Brittany's body against her own. To hear her moan, feel her hands against her skin and feeling her shiver underneath her when she comes undone. One thing she certainly didn't mean to happen? Her friend walking in and catching them in the act. She noticed Brittany look between her and her friend but didn't step in. Being screamed at and slapped was not part of the plan but it happened. Betraying a friend wasn't what was meant to happen, but when she heard a door slam shut and feels Brittany cup her cheek stroking the redness and pressing her lips against it, she forgets all those thoughts. She smiles kissing her once more before falling back onto the bed with the other woman hovering above her starting to return the favour she gave.

She never meant to hurt anyone but as months turned into years with this woman, she started second guessing. All these moments that weren't meant to happen had to have happened for a reason. If they hadn't happened, she would not be here. She wouldn't be laying in bed next to her wife hearing the laughter of their children. She would still be alone most likely feeling jealous of every other relationship. She would not be where she is today if she hadn't picked up that phone. She would never have met the person behind the angelic voice and she certainly wouldn't be married right now, living in New York. Yes, she never meant for any of it to happen but it did, and she doesn't regret anything.

"San, baby, you're deep in your thoughts again."

She looked towards the body beside her smiling moving her hand over her naked back enjoying the feel of her skin beneath her finger tips.

"Mm? Sorry Britt, I was thinking."

"What's new about that?" Brittany asked with a smile, leaning up kissing her softly. "What about this time?"

"About how we got here." Santana admitted laying on her side looking at her wife. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

Brittany smiles moving her fingertips over her cheek. "I know but how we got here is not important. It's about the fact that we got here."

She moved her hand to rest on top of her wife's shaking her head with a smile. She had a point, but the journey was the most important part.

"It's about the journey, babe. Everything is all about the journey." Santana said with a smile before hearing a loud knock at their door.

"Looks like we are needed."

Laughing, she stood up putting her robe on and was about to walk to the door before she felt a tug on her arm. She turned around and was met by her wife. She smiled not believing where she was. It was a dream to her.

"The journey is the most important part, you are right, but the journey is over and we are now here. We are married living in New York and have two beautiful twin boys, Jonah and Isaac, and our lives are perfect. The way we got here is…unfortunate, but forgive yourself." Brittany explained before kissing her cheek stroking it with a smile. "I love you."

"And I love you."

Brittany smiled walking past her and out of the bedroom without another word.

Santana stood looking around before smiling. She didn't mean for her life to end up like this, but with no doubt in her mind, she wouldn't change one second.


	5. Starting A Family

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Glee**

 **Genderswap!Brittana. Santiago and Brett make the decision to start a family so, naturally, they celebrate.**

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Sighing, Santiago looked at the clock bored. He had been stuck at work on the one day he wanted to be at home. He had tried to get the day off but was refused since apparently, 'wanting to have the day off for a stupid holiday that shouldn't even exist wasn't allowed under any circumstances'. He only had half an hour left but this was going to be the longest half an hour of his life. All he wanted was to get back home and see his husband.

Yes, you heard currently. Santiago Lopez is a married man who is married to very handsome, sexy blonde. They finally decided on getting married when the laws for gay marriage were lifted where they lived. They had been waiting years for it to happen so once they heard the news, they got married straight away. It was an amazing feeling and he still got butterflies when he looked at his wedding ring.

So, technically, he is allowed to leave whenever since he does own the firm, but someone was still above him for some reason and he was, to put it lightly, a complete jackass. Santiago had the right to fire him, but he knew the guy needed the job. Still, it wasn't as though he was the perfect employee. He was always turning up late and it pissed him off to no end since he didn't get any crap for it.

Santiago stood up looking out of his office window to try and entertain himself. Seriously, why did he own a firm that was surrounded by nothing but the city? Sighing, he sat back down shaking his head. At least he had Brett to go home to. He always gave the best massages. Due to the amount he sat down at work, his husband always massages his shoulders and back when he got home. He couldn't be more grateful even if he tried.

When half an hour finally went by Santiago couldn't leave the office fast enough. He picked up his briefcase and walked out to his car getting inside and driving home as fast as he could legally go. He wasn't about to be stopped by a cop and take longer to get home. He was smart after all.

He finally parked his car into the driveway and got to the place he had been wanting to be all day ever since he left. Unlocking the door he walked inside being greeted by the warmth of the house. Brett always liked the heating on since he liked being warm when he wasn't around to cuddle with. It was actually really sweet.

"Babe, I'm home!" Santiago announced shouting through the house taking his jacket off hanging it up and loosening his tie. He really hated the damn things.

He heard footsteps walking towards him and smiled when he saw a blonde walking towards him. He was pretty casual wearing a white wife beater and a pair of sweatpants but he seriously looked super sexy with his hair spiked up too. Let's not forget that his body was just…wow. Everyone is envious of him and Santiago knows it.

"Well if it isn't my super handsome man." Brett said approaching his husband chuckling taking note of the state of his tie. "I see we have another tie issue, honey."

Groaning Santiago nodded. "I had to take it off earlier on because I had to wash a stain out my shirt from lunch and it never looks as good as you do it."

Smiling Brett approaches him starting to undo his tie for him. "Trust you to choose a job you have to wear a tie everyday for and not know how to do one yourself."

Santiago nodded watching Brett take his tie off. He always looked so darn sexy and yes that's not a word he uses everyday, but he'll use it now. He took the time to spike his hair up everyday and he loved it, but on Sunday's he didn't bother since neither of them worked and he loved that too. His hair is super soft to run his fingers through without gel in. Santiago always noticed how when Brett concentrated on a task, he bit his lip. It was as though it helped him somehow.

Brett finally got the tie undone but let it hang there around Santiago's neck smiling. "There. Now please either learn to do a tie or keep it on during the day."

Santiago raised his eyebrow smirking. "Is that an order Mr Lopez?"

"Oh it certainly is Mr Lopez." Brett smirked back before his mouth curls into a smile. "Come on. Let's cuddle on the sofa."

Santiago walked to the sofa with Brett sitting down allowing Brett to cuddle up against him. It was one of his favourite times of the day just being able to be here with him without worrying about anyone else. He shivered when he felt Brett's hand move Under his shirt tracing his fingers over his abs. His touch just…it did something to him.

"Babe?"

Santiago looked down at Brett. "Mm? What's up?"

"I was just wondering…we've never really had this conversation so…I was curious if you've ever thought about kids."

Santiago smiled. Of course he had thought about kids with Brett, but it was the timing that had stopped them. They'd been married for three years now and he was coming up slowly to the age of thirty and he did always promise himself he'd have a kid before then. He was only 28 mind you, but still. Thirty was only two years away. The Latino runs his fingers through the blonde's hair.

"Yes, I've thought about it." Santiago responded moving his fingers to Brett's cheek stroking his thumb across the soft skin. "Is it something you've been thinking about?

Brett nodded. "I just thought that we could discuss it, you know? I mean I know we're only 28 but I'm coming up to 29 soon and I want us to have a baby. I want us to start a family."

"Honey if you want kids then we can definitely start looking at adoption agencies. If you want a baby then we'll get one."

Brett grinned reaching up cupping his cheek before kissing him. Santiago moved his arms around Brett's waist kissing back. He loved the feeling of Brett's lips on his feeling the softness of them. He just loved how playful he was too. It was amazing and he loved it. He felt Brett start to grind his knee against his cock. Fuck, he was in that kind of mood.

Santiago continued to kiss Brett moving his hands over his back smiling. Brett's tongue had somehow made it into his mouth without him noticing, which was strange. He always noticed and loved it, but his mind was also on the conversation before so he understood why he didn't pick up on the sneaky move.

Brett continued to grind his leg against his cock feeling it harden. Santiago pulled away and groaned. He wasn't exactly small so when it started to harden it became very uncomfortable. But before he could say something Brett started to undo his pants pulling them down his legs. Santiago leant up on his arms watching him and before he knew it, Brett had pulled his boxers off and his cock slapped onto his stomach. He hissed as the air hit it. Brett smiled moving his fingertip over the length of it.

"So gorgeous." He mumbled before his mouth surrounded it.

Santiago moaned. His mouth was heaven and he was always able to take his large size which amazed him. Brett always knew exactly how to push the right buttons to get him cuming. He began to move his tongue as he moved his mouth up and down his length along the bottom of it before moving it to each side. Brett began taking him deeper into his mouth and Santiago felt the tip of his cock hit the back of his mouth before moving down his throat. Santiago moaned loud and grasped onto Brett's hair so he was gripping something as his husband began to deep thrust his cock. Brett had never had a gag reflex which was probably why oral sex was so good with him. He could take his size no problem.

"Fucking hell Brett!" Santiago said moaning wanting to fling his head back but couldn't because he wanted to watch Brett suck his cock more. It always looked so hot to him.

Brett began to work his throat muscles over his cock which worked him closer and closer to the edge. Santiago was moaning and gripping his hair tighter and was about to come but Brett pulled away before he could. Santiago snapped his head up.

"Brett, what the hell!" Santiago whined feeling his cock throbbing, but that's when he noticed Brett stripping off his clothes throwing a smirk in his direction getting on all fours in front of the fire place; their favourite place to have sex."You want me to cum in your ass?"

"Please. I want your cum inside me Santiago. I'm so close and I want you."

Santiago smiled. He loved how much Brett loved him fucking his ass. It wasn't even that. He always made love to Brett no matter what and he knew how much he loved his cum inside him. It was super hot. Without further ado, Santiago moved behind his husband squirting lube straight into his hole, smiling when he noticed Brett shiver as he did, before working his finger inside stretching him. He loved hearing the moans Brett made. It was a miracle this man was bisexual since he knew he loved it up the ass a lot. When Santiago saw he was taking his finger no problem he added another then another. His cock wasn't small and he didn't want to hurt him in any way.

When he saw his hole was stretched enough, he moved his cock into his husbands ass slowly. Gripping his hips he moved in then out and was planning on moving slowly but before he could do or say anything, Brett thrust his ass back impaling himself on his cock. They simultaneously moaned together with Brett having his ass stuffed with Santiago's cock and Santiago with his cock surrounded by Brett's tight walls. They stayed there for a few minutes before Santiago leant over whispering in Brett's ear.

"Ready to have my warm cum in your ass?"

Brett moaned and nodded. "Fill my ass up with your cum babe."

That was all Santiago needed to start moving his hips thrusting into his husband's hole. God, it felt so good to have his cock in such a tight hole which was surprising since he had fucked it a lot. Brett loved it and he did everything he could to make him happy. He would never say he was a slut for his cum or anything degrading like that, he did love Brett after all, he just knew that Brett loved being filled by his cum since he imagined it was due to the fact not one of them had vagina's, and neither could get the other pregnant. As long as Brett was happy, that was all Santiago cared about.

Santiago started thrusting harder enjoying the slapping sounds of their skin hitting each other. He grinned loving the moans that came out of Brett's mouth. He just loved hearing how good he was fucking him and it was surprising how the man below him used to be quiet. The first few times they slept together he was quiet, but after convincing Brett it was okay to moan, he always let him know how much he loved what he was doing to him. Brett reached back holding onto Santiago's arm thrusting back.

"San…San please." Brett whimpered.

"I got it, baby."

Santiago moved his hand down to his husbands cock starting to stroke it knowing exactly what Brett needed. He moved his hand faster feeling his cock start to swell before he felt his cum spurt out onto the rug beneath them with Santiago continuously stroking him to bring him down from his orgasm. Brett was moaning loud gripping the floor tightly whilst squeezing his ass around Santiago's cock at the same time which made the Latino moan.

Once Brett was down from his orgasm Santiago gripped Brett's hips thrusting faster into the tight hole, pulling the man back and forth on his cock feeling closer and closer by the minute. Santiago and Brett moaned as he did so.

"Get ready B, here it comes."

Brett braced himself moaning as his husband thrusted harder and faster into his ass. Santiago moaned and came hard into Brett. He heard Brett sigh in happiness whilst he did so. He continued to thrust into him as he came filling Brett's ass with his cum.

Once he was done he pulled out slowly admiring Brett's cum filled ass, moving his hands over the man's firm behind, before letting him collapse onto his stomach. Santiago smiled laying beside him moving his arm over his back cuddling close to him. Brett turned his head looking at Santiago kissing him softly.

"So we start looking tomorrow at adoption?" Brett asked mumbling slowly starting to fall asleep.

Santiago smiled. "We'll look tomorrow honey, I promise"

Santiago pulled a blanket over them holding his husband thinking about how exciting his life was about to become. He had the man of his dreams and now he was going to have a family with him. He closed his eyes cuddling up to Brett in front of the roaring fire thinking about how perfect his life was right now. He couldn't ask for better.


	6. Putting A Mask On Isn't Always Easy

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Glee**

 **Warning: Mentions of Self harm**

 **Okay, so I'm going to explain the reasoning behind this story. I don't usually, but this does have a reason. The truth is, I have stages where I do go through bad thoughts and I need to write them down. This is the story that came out when I wrote down my feelings, but I wanted to share it because this is a serious matter that people go through and no person should take lightly. Yes, I go through thoughts like these every day and the only thing that gets me out of it is writing, which is why I have been writing so much.**

 _Brittany has felt empty her entire life. She hid her emotions from everyone for so long, but what happens when the blonde hits a breaking point?_

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At school, everyone sees me as this happy, bubbly blonde haired cheerleader. Yes, I have a reputation of making out with a lot of people too, however, that wasn't who I was. Who am I, you ask? Well, I have been asking myself the same question for so long that I don't even know the answer. Ever since I was five I stopped being the bubbly blonde girl and turned into this...I don't even know what to call it. I have no name for what is going on with me considering I don't know myself. I try so hard to push everything away but it always comes back even worse than before. I tried going to the doctors, but I always ended up booking an appointment to end up missing it on purpose. I go through the same cycle every month as a matter of fact. The truth is, I make out and sleep with so many people to distract myself. They never stay, though; I don't allow it. I just enjoy being able to forget, even if it's just for a little while. If I can distract myself for just half an hour that is an accomplishment in itself. I don't tend to explain myself to anyone because who would believe me? Would they just believe I was seeking attention? Just tell me to cheer up? Tell me it was all inside my head and I just had to ignore it? How I had no reason to feel the way I do? I imagine the responses on a daily basis when I think about telling someone. Obviously, I always end up ignoring my thoughts.

I have a journal I write in on a daily basis. I looked up online about some options to make yourself happy and apparently writing your feelings down helps. Bullshit. The only thing it does is make me be able to go through until the next day. It doesn't make me feel better or happier. It just keeps me going. I began writing in journals when I was nine years old. I asked my dad to get me one for Christmas, it was all I asked for, so I got one and I tried writing down my feelings. The first time I tried I struggled. I had no idea what to write but, as it stands, I learnt what to write. The journal just kept me going through school until I got home and it still does. When I was ten, I started to put a mask on when I went to school. It was all I could do to stop the teachers asking questions. My dad thought I was getting better, but truthfully, I wasn't. I was getting worse. I always wondered why the other kids got to be happy when I had to feel sad. It was unfair, but then I came to the understanding that I had to be the sad one. The one who fought the most because, if I didn't, who would? I was making my dad happy by pretending to be happy and everyone at school knew none the wiser. In my head, it was all fitting together nicely.

Throughout school, I was friends with Quinn and Santana. They had been my best friends since kindergarten and we have been inseparable since then. I'm very careful around them in the fact of making sure they never come over to my house as well as not reading through my notebooks at school. They thought I was a private person but since I was happy as can be during school hours, they didn't look too much into it. Well, Quinn didn't. Santana persisted trying to get me to open up, however, it didn't happen. They knew my parents separated and I went through a rough patch afterwards but, aside from that, they knew nothing about my life. I made certain of that. Santana made it so difficult when we began to get closer. Sleeping together became normal for us, however, I always made sure it was at her place. The only people who came in my room were my dad and the people I slept with randomly. Santana wasn't random, though. She was someone I truly liked. Someone I could actually see a future with. Well, if I didn't go before that happened.

As I grew older and older I started to look into more things to help me. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel...pain. I needed to feel that. When I first looked it up I was terrified. I didn't even want to think about it but, after I did it, it felt good. I felt at peace and the bad thing was, I got addicted. I craved the feel of the blade against my skin, the way the blood ran down my thighs to the bottom of the bathtub. I wanted more but I was also sensible. I knew I couldn't too much otherwise people would notice. Santana would notice. Lucky for me she wasn't curious about giving me oral, so I always made sure to pleasure her. I began being the one to control what we did and didn't do. She only saw it as a turn on, so I was lucky. She started to become the only person to keep me going every day.

Things only went from bad to worse. I kept writing in my journal but soon enough...I needed more than writing. I needed a lot more than just writing in a book when my thoughts got worse. I tried visiting my mother, but that did nothing for me. It allowed me to relax for the weekend, however, I had to wear my mask constantly. I wasn't used to that since dad let me do what I want. I knew my sister noticed since she started questioning me; asking if I was okay. It got annoying but, be that as it may, I appreciated her asking. My mother didn't notice thankfully since the last thing I wanted or needed was a lecture from her about how I was miserable and that I should move in with her. As you can probably imagine , she took it hard when I chose to stay with dad. I'm sorry, but why should I move away from everyone I knew just because she wanted to? No, I didn't want to do that. Emily was fine with it since she was only young so it didn't have that much of an impact on her life. I had friends in Lima so, naturally, I was going to stay there. Dad was happy that one of us was staying so I was glad I could make him happy at least. It made one of us.

After visiting my mother, I didn't feel any better. Frankly, I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I even did that by telling my dad I was sick but it only worked for three days before he said I had to go back. He didn't want phone calls from the school saying I was bunking off. I listened to make him feel better. Going back to school did nothing for me, though. I kept my smile on, but it was starting to become too exhausting to smile. I was starting to get so tired that I missed Glee and cheerleading practices. All I wanted was to be at home in my bed. Mentally and physically I was exhausted and I didn't know why. I never knew why. It usually happened on weekends, not weekdays, but I didn't get the weekend to lay in bed so this was why. I had to suffer during the week. It was dreadful since I had Santana and Quinn asking me what was wrong. I put it down to feeling unwell which, thankfully, they accepted. They never questioned me after that. Santana still texts me asking to hook up and since I didn't want her questioning me, I forced myself to go. I forced myself to pleasure her the best I could to tire her out. When she was tired she fell asleep straight away giving me time to sneak out. I never stayed. No matter how much I felt for this girl, staying made things worse. I did it once and the need to want her grew too strong. I felt as though I needed to confess everything. I felt like if I didn't tell her everything I was going to break. I was not going to break that barrier, so I stopped staying. Santana never said anything, so I got off the hook.

It took about three weeks before I stopped caring about the clubs I joined and stopped returning everyone's phone calls. I called this my giving up mood. I had never gotten this bad before and it scared me. I only went to the classes at school and the rest of the time I went to the auditorium to lay down. I imagined ending everything. I wanted to stop these feelings inside me, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to cry because I felt weak. I felt nothing inside me. I had become this empty shell. I knew people were talking about me, but I stopped caring. Self-harm was doing nothing for me anymore. There were scars on my legs and arms now which I still managed to hide with the right amount of make-up. Whenever Santana called, I ignored it. I hadn't been over in weeks. I didn't want. I was too broken-down. Nothing made me happy. This was me. I had searched for a long time and now I knew. This was how I was meant to end up. Feeling nothing. Feeling as though if I disappeared no one would care. My dad was working so much he didn't notice that my appetite had gone. I didn't want to exercise like I used to. I heard the school bell ring which made me sigh. I had to go back to class. Looking up at the ceiling I knew what I had to do.

Getting home that night was exhausting and I was just lucky no one was home. Dad was never home these days, which made it easier to do what I wanted to do. I walked upstairs to my room locking the door behind me. I threw my bag on the floor before walking to the bathroom to run a bath. Why was this so easy for me? Why did I feel as though this was it? This was the value of my life. Was it all leading up to this? I stripped my clothing off, turned some music on loud, turned my phone off before locking the door and getting in the bath. I sighed relaxing a little. I had time. I had all night. Washing myself wouldn't do any harm, though. I would at least be found clean. Looking at myself I started to clean my body thoroughly before starting to wash my hair. I took my time just prolonging the inevitable. Nevertheless, it didn't take long before I was reaching over for the blade. I settled back in the bath once it was in my hands moving it between my fingers. I had done this so many times. When you have an addiction all you want is more of what you're addicted to and that was how I felt. It has become almost enjoyable for me. I took a deep breath before moving the blade over my wrists, just it was deeper this time. Okay, this time, it stung a little more but that was okay. I was going to be happy soon. I was going to a place where I could smile and laugh for real instead of faking it. Slicing my other wrist open I watched the blood pour from my wrists. My eyes started to feel heavy, as did my body when more blood poured from my body into the water. It was going slowly and I felt my body sinking a little. I could feel myself going. In the distance, I could hear someone shouting my name. It was too far away to hear, though. Maybe they were waiting for me on the other side. The last thing I saw before blacking out was a pair of brown eyes.

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Feeling my eyes open was not something I expected to happen. I remember being in the bathtub alone, with the doors locked, and blood pouring from my wrists into the bath. I tried lifting my arms except they felt really heavy. I felt weak. Tired. Drained. I could come up with a number of other words but I was too exhausted to do so. I looked around trying to figure out my surroundings. There were many lights, chairs around the bed, some sort of wooden door. I think I'm in the hospital but I can't tell. I wanted to sit up but I couldn't. My run-down body couldn't do it. I looked to the side noticing one of those bags you see on the medical shows. I must be in the hospital. Looking down at my hand I saw a needle in my hand meaning I was on some sort of drip. Why was I still here? I don't understand. I had enough of this life. I wanted out of it. I wasn't happy and I wasn't enjoying it. Why should I be made to live a life I don't want? Yes, they say life is precious but how do you explain to someone who doesn't enjoy any of it to live life? You get one life but if you are too damn unhappy to want to live it, why should you be forced to be here?

I turned my head again to see Santana. What was she doing here? She shouldn't be here visiting me when I looked like this. I didn't want her seeing me weak. She deserved better. She always deserved better. I can't give her what she needs, but I always thought if we had the physical side she'd never leave. I didn't want her leaving. Everyone leaves. My mom and sister left. Dad wasn't around as much. Quinn was too busy with the Cheerios to care. Santana liked all those other boys to even think about me. What do I get? No one. Everyone is too busy for me. I'm in here because someone didn't let me go. Maybe someone cared enough to stop me, but where would that get me? I would be alive, yes, but not happy. Not living. I could have watched Santana from above and see her live the life she wanted. I could have seen her become successful. I'm probably just going to drift apart from her now. She'll see how weak I am and that will be it. Where does that leave me? Growing up and being alone. Not even Lord Tubbington could cheer me up. Trust me, I tried that.

Within the next few minutes, I saw my doctor walk in followed by my mother, sister, and father. They all looked relieved to see me awake. I heard Santana mumble from the side meaning she was waking up. I turned to look in her direction when I saw her look of worry. Is that what she had been doing? I turned to look at my family once again and, one by one, they hugged me telling me how sorry they were. How they didn't see this coming. Of course, they didn't, I made sure of it. Of course, it made me feel bad. I didn't want them feeling guilty over something I chose to do. I made that decision to try and end my life, unsuccessfully I might add, but it was no one's fault but my own. I felt the bed dip when my family were finished. I turned my head and saw Santana moving to sit beside me. She even got under the sheets, which was comforting, to say the least. She looked at me before taking my hand entwining our fingers together. I didn't understand it, but I didn't care. She began to whisper how she wishes I talked to her so she could have helped. How every time we slept together she imagined being the one doing the pleasing, but I always got there first. How, and this was a big one, she loved me. I never expected that because, for as long as I could remember, I loved her. I just never felt good enough. I always wanted a life with her, but I never thought I could have someone as beautiful as Santana. She continued to tell me how much I meant to her and she was glad I survived since she was the one who broke the doors down, finding me almost unconscious. I actually remember a pair of brown eyes before I blacked out which must have been hers.

The doctor began to tell us all how I needed to stay here to get monitored but he was going to prescribe me antidepressants. He stated that I had a hormonal imbalance in my brain which caused my mood to be lower than normal . He explained how it wasn't my fault and, with the right medication, I would be able to sort myself out and get better. It was actually a nice relief to have someone tell me what was wrong since I had imagined it for so long. I always wanted someone telling me I had something which was treatable. That why I felt as though I wasn't normal and, now, I knew it wasn't my fault. My brain was just being a bit weird but I could get it sorted out.

My whole family sat with me once the doctor went to try and get me to explain what had caused me to try and kill myself. I didn't have any words. I literally couldn't explain myself since I had no idea. Something in my head caused me to feel like it was the only way I could be happy. That was the feelings behind it. Whilst I tried to explain to everyone my emotions Santana stayed glued to my side the entire time, holding my hand, to help me get through it. I didn't know why, or how, but she helped me get through it. Just having her hold my hand made everything better and now I felt as though I could do anything. I turned my head to look at the girl beside me with a smile. I might have to deal with this my whole life, but at least I know I'll never be alone again.


End file.
